When you have been drinking for a long time, like myself, you tend to learn things. Many, many things, can help make you or break you, depending on what type of person you are. One thing that I have learned, it is never good to drink 12 shots of Bacardi 151 in a short period of time, like back to back........ Now that I have you interested, here is the tale of the one exception to this rule.
Chop, Wang, Dupree, and myself are at are favorite bar in NC on Friday night. Let's call it Valentine's (No it's not a gay bar). This is a typical Friday night of heavy drinking, dancing, and karaoke, but there always comes that point when you see your limit, and decide to say "Fuck it, lets do shots". This was definitely one of those moments. Now to understand why this is our favorite bar, you need to realize that we basically run shop. This was one of those nights when the owner made the massively huge mistake of letting Wang bartend, which always means "Free Drinks" for Chop, Dupree, and I. Having established all of this, here is where things went wrong, horribly wrong. This night is a night just like any other Friday night. Chop is doing flips on the dance floor, Dupree is flopping around like a dead fish trying to do the worm, and I am fight with my ex-girlfriend Ro while having another chick tell me that she is not pregnant (thank god). Having finally gotten my phone to stop ringing, I decide to celebrate my new exciting news of not being a father. I have Wang pour the first round, Tequila yum. The celebration turns quickly from stellar to completely awesome when I go up to sing some Karaoke, (I am pretty sure it was " Wheel in the sky" by Journey) not sure though. Well the singing turns into dancing, and the dancing turns into some really hot chick felashing me in the bathroom (baller son).
Well you know how those super awesome nights can always take a turn for the worse, this is one of those nights. After miss awesome finishes up with her job, I go back out to the bar for some post BJ shots. Not exactly sure what to get the 4 of us, I sit and ponder for a moment. That is when SHE walked up...... Stubby McNubs. Holy "what in the fuck allowed this into the room" shit. Ms. Nubs is a chick who when you look at her left side she looks semi decent, then she turned, and I noticed something missing. Then I realized, it was her fucking arm, that's right, her fucking arm was gone from the elbow down. Realizing what I have just witnessed I tell Wang to pour me something to get that image out of my head. Of course Wang is an asshole and pours me the strongest thing at the bar. Bacardi 151, and me being drunk and not really paying attention drink it without a second glance, the sad thing is, I thought it tasted good. Eureka, I have found our shots, and quickly tell Wang to pour 4 more for our group. Him being a responsible bartender ( and the only truly sober one there) says that I can have his (big mistake buddy). I quickly grab up Chop and Dupree, and hand them there shots. Chop knows right off the bat that this is 151 and laughs in my face denying the shot. Dupree follows suit. This leaves me with four shots of 151 and of course me being more awesome then the 4 of them combined (and I was extremely plastered at this time). I get the bright idea to take all 4 straight to the dome. Well obviously this blows every ones mind (even the 62 year old alcoholic sitting next to me). Well now that my awesomeness (and stupidity) have shined bright, I reply to this shock and awe with " Well shit, that's nothing, Wang line up 4 more". Unfortunately Wang does as he is told, and I take 4 more shots of 151 straight to the head. If you have been keeping count that's 8. Once again jaws drop, and once again, I tell Wang to line 'em up, once again he obeys. 4 more shots, and I light up a cigarette. This is where disaster really strikes.
As we all know now, I am ballsy as hell, and I don't truly care about my limitations. Thank god for that. Because shortly after the 12 shots of Bacardi 151 kick in, Stubby McNubs starts sidling up to me. Obviously I hang out with complete and total assholes, they watch and laugh. With my head on the bar, a cigarette in my mouth and Stubby massaging my neck with her good hand, I black the fuck out, and wake up the next morning on my friend Dean's couch with a splitting headache and my phone dead. Dean and his girlfriend Tara fill me in on what happened. I started vomiting violently in the parking lot, and passed out mere inches away from it, so Chop, Wang, and Dupree brought me here through me on the couch and put a trashcan in front of my face. They leave and go back to the bar, grab Stubby, and her friend Jamie (EWWWWWWWWWW), take them to a sleazy motel room and tag team the pair. When they make it back to Dean's in the morning and tell me of their shame, I light up a smoke and begin to think to myself "THANK YOU GOD" (see he really does care about us drunks).
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